Covid-19 brought up panic and fear for everyone. The whole world found difficult to adjust. Everyone talks about covid-19 death rates, speaking about worldwide grief, but there are families who struggle to overcome other losses. I want to talk about miscarriages – upspoken grief.

The period of pregnancy can be different for each woman and sometimes it goes not the way we wish. Sadly, some babies are lost during pregnancy, birth or shortly afterwards. It is not only the loss of your child, but perhaps also your dreams, aspirations and expectations leading up to that point. 

Miscarriage or stillbirth is still a taboo topic around the world, which is associated with condemnation or shame. Many women who have lost their babies during pregnancy or childbirth don’t receive either the proper care nor the respect they deserve. Help of professional counsellor is very important as well as support and understanding of family.

1 in 5 pregnancies resulting in miscarriage, there can often be unanswered questions as to what actually went wrong after being told at your scan that everything was well. Now that the shock and confusion has subsided, it might feel as though you’ve just been left to pick up the pieces. 

Sometimes we don’t want our friends and family to be aware of pregnancy in the early stage, which makes the loss an even more isolating experience. In the situation when you have been open and excited about your pregnancy, you may be feeling ashamed with your loss, picking up an expectation that you should be able to come to terms with what happened and move on, hearing: “you can always try again”, “I went through it and you will be ok”, or “at least you already have children”. This can feel dismissive of your journey of personal bond with your baby who was growing inside of you. ​

Examples of pregnancy-related loss I work with are: Infertility, IVF, Miscarriage, Stillbirth

Going through multiple miscarriages I stopped believing in myself and lost a lot of confidence. I wanted to scream but was ashamed even to talk, feeling isolated and guilty, the question was buzzing in my head “why?” I didn’t know how to move on, how to find strength to smile or be “positive me” with my friends who had children. I lived in fear of never becoming a mother. I lost interest in everyday life activities and became depressed. Worrying a lot is exhausting. It created negative thought patterns and it changed how I behaved. It also made it harder to focus on things that could help me feel better. 

One day someone asked me if I would like to try counselling. I reached out to the counsellor and asked for help, I was exhausted keeping everything inside.

There are so many emotions that you can find yourself feeling as if you are on a roller coaster, each loss is unique:

You see life carrying on around you, but you may not be ready for life to carry on yet. You may need time to acknowledge, grieve and commemorate your loss. 

Loneliness and isolation can have a negative impact on your mental health. Pregnancy loss can make you feel alone in different ways. You may feel physically unable to go out to see friends, family due to lockdown or because it’s too difficult emotionally to see pregnant women or children. But this might mean you miss out on valuable sources of comfort and support.  You might have lots of people around you but none of them seem to understand how you feel or care for you in the way you would like.

During pandemic, those feelings of isolation might be even more acute, although technology can help, you can join online group support.

I have worked with clients who had a need to tell their story, talk about fears, anxiety of being pregnant again, voiced a need to ‘remember’ their baby and mark their loss but may not feel entitled to do so or not know how. I provide a safe non-judgemental space where my clients can process their loss in their own time, in a way that they need to and in a validating space. 

You can find more information about miscarriages at https://www.healthline.com/health/miscarriage

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