Covid-19 brought up panic and fear for everyone. The whole world found difficult to adjust. Everyone talks about covid-19 death rates, speaking about worldwide grief, but there are families who struggle to overcome other losses. I want to talk about miscarriage – upspoken grief.
The period of pregnancy can be different for each woman and sometimes it goes not the way we wish. Sadly, some babies are lost during pregnancy, birth or shortly afterwards. It is not only the loss of your child. It may also involve your dreams, aspirations, and expectations leading up to that point.
Miscarriage or stillbirth is still a taboo topic around the world, which is associated with condemnation or shame. Many women lose their babies during pregnancy or childbirth. They don’t receive the proper care. They also don’t receive the respect they deserve. Help of professional counsellor is very important as well as support and understanding of family.
There is a high rate of miscarriages, with 1 in 5 pregnancies ending this way. After being told at your scan that everything was well, you may still have unanswered questions. You might wonder what actually went wrong. Now that the shock and confusion has subsided, it might feel overwhelming. It can seem as though you’ve just been left to pick up the pieces.
In the early stage of pregnancy, sometimes we choose not to share it with friends and family. When a loss occurs, this decision can make it an even more isolating experience. If you have been open and excited about your pregnancy, you may feel ashamed with your loss. You might pick up an expectation to come to terms with what happened and move on. You may hear: “you can always try again.” Some might say, “I went through it and you will be ok.” Others may comment, “at least you already have children.” This can feel dismissive of your journey of personal bond with your baby who was growing inside of you.
Examples of pregnancy-related loss I work with are: Infertility, IVF, Miscarriage, Stillbirth
Going through multiple miscarriages I stopped believing in myself and lost a lot of confidence. I wanted to scream. I was ashamed even to talk. I felt isolated and guilty. The question was buzzing in my head “why?” I didn’t know how to move on. I couldn’t find the strength to smile. It was difficult to be “positive me” with my friends who had children. I lived in fear of never becoming a mother. I lost interest in everyday life activities and became depressed. Worrying a lot is exhausting. It created negative thought patterns and it changed how I behaved. It also made it harder to focus on things that could help me feel better.
One day someone asked me if I would like to try counselling. I reached out to the counsellor and asked for help, I was exhausted keeping everything inside.
There are so many emotions that you can find yourself feeling as if you are on a roller coaster, each loss is unique:
- Intrusive thoughts and memories
- Feelings of guilt
- I ‘should’ be coping better.
- I ‘should’ be stronger or be able to offer more support to my partner.
- It was my fault.
- There’s something wrong with me.
- I have let people down.
- Difficulty and maybe even avoidance of seeing others with their children
- Feeling as though a potential life opportunity or road has been lost to you
- Tensions in your relationship following your loss
- Difficulties grieving with your partner and not feeling ‘supported’
- An increased awareness of your ‘body clock’
You see life carrying on around you, but you may not be ready for life to carry on yet. You may need time to acknowledge, grieve and commemorate your loss.
Loneliness and isolation can have a negative impact on your mental health. Pregnancy loss can make you feel alone in different ways. You may feel physically unable to go out to see friends and family due to lockdown. It might also be too difficult emotionally to see pregnant women or children. But this might mean you miss out on valuable sources of comfort and support. You might have lots of people around you. However, none of them seem to understand how you feel. They do not care for you in the way you would like.
I have worked with clients who had a need to talk about fears and the anxiety of being pregnant again. They voiced a desire to ‘remember’ their baby and mark their loss. However, they may not feel entitled to do so or not know how. I provide a safe non-judgemental space. It allows my clients to process their loss in their own time. They can do this in a way that they need to and in a validating space.
You can find more information about miscarriages at https://www.healthline.com/health/miscarriage
Contact MeaningfulLife Counselling today to embark on a journey of self-discovery and personal growth.
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