No Parents expect to face the baby loss. A rollercoaster of emotions is a normal reaction to the loss. Unexpected death is difficult to process, and the death of a child even more so. Parents are shocked and do not understand what they need to do. Family is disorientated and avoid the subject. It is important that mom’s feelings are recognized, whatever they may be. There is no need to condemn her for anger, resentment and other emotions. She needs to go through all the feelings, because they help to cope with grief.

Grief consists of several stages. At first, the person denies what happened. Then comes anger, which can be directed both at oneself and at others. The next stage is bargaining: a person thinks whether something could have been changed and how he would have acted in a similar situation. Then depression sets in, when a person realizes that nothing can be fixed. Only after that you can move on to acceptance and understand that life goes on. If one of the stages is discouraged, the grief can drag on for years.

It takes strength and courage to ask for counselling help. In the early stages of grief, it is very difficult for mothers to voice their experience of loss, they feel guilty and want to be left alone.

Mostly they start looking for counselling at the stage of depression, when they feel that it is very difficult to cope on their own, when they don’t see the light at the end and life lost meaning. The question arises: “Is it normal how I feel and how I behave when others expect something else?”. In addition, our society prefers to avoid the subject and openly talk, thinking it can hurt more the grieving parents.

Mothers suffer not only from the loss of a child, but also from the people’s reaction. Sometimes you can hear: “Well, why are you crying, at least you know you can be pregnant.” This is one of the phrases that is not appropriate. The woman herself needs to understand that this is what people say who do not know what to say in response to someone’s pain. It is also difficult for others to empathize with the mother, because they have not seen the child, and some may not have known about pregnancy.

Man and woman experience grief differently. This difference can lead to conflict and resentment. In society, there is an unspoken that men don’t express emotions, men don’t cry, so they suppress and bottle all negative emotions. It seems to the woman that her partner is not grieving, and it hurts her more feeling lonely and abundant with her pain. Talking to professional counsellor can be helpful.

During this difficult grieving time, couples grow apart. It is important to learn to talk openly to each other about everything. Women often say that men are not ready to discuss this topic. Young couples may not yet be able to articulate difficult moments. If the conversation happens, then you need to respect each other’s feelings. 

There are other family members who are also worried. This is not to say that since this did not happen to them, then they don’t worry. Older children also need to be told about what happened. They themselves will feel that something is wrong. You can accurately explain to the child that their brother or sister is no longer there, that it is still difficult for the parents. If you have an adult daughter, it is important not to scare her with what is happening, because she, too, will someday be a mother.

When I see people bravely break free of past limitations or the pain of early experiences, and start to feel confident in who they really are so they can move towards greater intimacy, wholeness and resilience…

I’m reminded how significant, powerful and life-altering the work can be.

The important thing to remember is that these adaptations, or unhealthy patterns, are simply protecting us all from feeling or thinking painful things.

And while adaptations paradoxically interfere with emotional growth, understanding how they first developed is the key to breaking out of the unhealthy patterns.

You see, research suggests that as much as 90% of conflict and issues that arise in adult relationships can be traced back to early attachment experiences.

Not only does attachment theory give us a framework to understand how the past has shaped our present relationships, it gives us an approach to be able to do something about it.